Still very present 11.16.14

Happy Sunday!!

Just a quick post on what I'm feeling at this current moment.  So, if you read my last post, you know that I gave up on my contracting position because it was very stressful and caused my anxiety to be in full swing.  Well, I still needed to submit my invoice (which I'm not even sure I will be paid for because of the way they do things, but at this point, I can't worry about that).  Anyway, I got up this morning with the intent to submit it.  I was fine as I calculated my fee.  I was fine as I filled out the invoice.  I was fine UNTIL I opened the email to attach the invoice, and my anxiety came back full-force....again.  The good news is I'm glad I won't be continuing with this company.  If my anxiety is this high in such a short time and I all did was open an email to send something, I have no business doing business with them.  I'm okay with that.  I am reminded though that if something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.  The only bad part is that I'm back to square one looking for ways to earn income and I wasted time that could have been spent doing something else.  It's okay though.  I can move on from this.

I do believe its time for me to sell my equipment and books associated with this profession because I do not see things getting much better, which is why I got out of the field full-time over a year ago.  I only held onto it in case I needed to earn some money on short notice, such as this, but once again, things haven't worked out for one reason or another so I'm pretty sure that's a sign that I should give up on it for good.  I had a good run but my time is up.  Even at my age, I have plenty more years to work and I refuse to do it being stressed out, especially not from my home.  I'm not trying to have a stroke or a heart attack dealing with these folks.  No ma'am, they can keep that stress.

Throwing In The Towel 11.13.2014

I don't like to think of myself as a quitter BUT I do know when it's time to move on from something.  Unfortunately, I think that time has already come.  Being an introvert with what I think is really just situational anxiety, being put in situations that make me feel anxious is a bad thing. Sadly, that is how I felt on a daily basis while trying to earn some money with this contracting position.  Basically, my anxiety kicked in every time I sat down at my computer ready to do the work.  I didn't even have to open the program, just sit here and think about getting ready to open it and BAM!  Anxiety attack!  Let's just say, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"  I'm cool, y'all can keep that crazy over there and away from me LOL. I don't do crazy.

I'm actually rather disappointed, not in myself, but more so them.  They painted this beautiful picture of how a contracted worker in my profession is supposed to be treated and I was super excited, thinking I had finally found the right company.  It was going to be great to have the flexibility I needed without all of the restrictions like an employee.  True, there was some flexibility but let the work start to pile up and the nasty emails started, along with basically telling us that we needed to be available at this time or that time.  That wasn't all of it but I won't go into detail because it's really not important.  It is what it is.

Needless to say, I am back to square one but positive that something will come along.  All I know is that it's 43 degrees outside right now and winter hasn't even started so my hope is that I can find something else from home.  I don't mind the cold weather so much as the snow and the black ice on the roads.  That's the part that freaks me out.  The snow is pretty but nobody can drive on black ice, and quite frankly, these folks already drive terribly so I can do without the added dangers of ice patches.

This is day 2 of not dealing with the company and guess what?  No anxiety attacks!  How about that!  I'm sipping on a cup of coffee with butter toffee flavored creamer and just as relaxed as can be.

Have a lovely day.

~Pamela Denise~

Getting back to it 11.4.14

I finally started training with my position from home and though it has been quite stressful, I'm pretty sure I will be okay.  I just have to change my way of thinking.  Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Well, this old dog is ready for some new tricks. Some of them make sense but some of them make cents LOL, so it's all good.  Just gotta get in the swing of things.  I think I'm going to put a hurting on my coffee budget. Oh well.

~Pamela Morrow~

Nothing 10.28.2014

I have spent another day waiting...doing nothing.  Well, I shouldn't say doing nothing because I did some things, washed a few dishes, did a few Internet searches, talked to my daughter while she was lost finding her way to GSU's campus for a tour but yeah, nothing really productive in terms of working or business. Shameful, I know but hey..it happens from time to time.

The car has nothing do with this post but hey, I like pink, I like cute cars, so I posted it. Is that wrong? I think not.

The day is still young.  It's only 3:00 so I have time to actually be productive, especially since I will be home alone for at the next 6 or 7 hours.  I'm going to brew myself a cup of coffee and get some things done.

~Pamela Denise~

Mental storm brewing 10.27.2014

Right now, I am feeling a storm coming on.  I'm feeling completely overwhelmed, confused, agitated and thoroughly irritated. I miss my home state but really can't go back, not right now, for a few reasons.  More importantly, I moved back once already, only to turn around and move back here 18 months later, so the thought of going back again has me wondering if it's even a good idea.  I know a few people who moved back home to Cali and did the same thing, or moved elsewhere.

I don't know.  What I do know is that I have to figure something out quickly before I completely lose my mind.

I'm sure there's a simple solution to fix the way I'm feeling.  The problem is, I don't know what that is....yet.

~Pamela Denise~

This is hard 10.23.2014

Do you know how hard it is for an introvert who has spent most of her life working from home to accept that she may have to get out there in the world, in the big city no less, to find a job? Ohhhhhh, just the thought of it makes me nauseous.  I don't want to be out there dealing with traffic and personalities. I just don't.  It overwhelms me because its something I cannot control. Sure, I can try to control my own feelings but I cannot control the traffic, and I most certainly cannot control the personalities of others, that's for sure. People often think that because I'm quiet, I'm shy and I need them to talk to me. I'm not shy. I'm an introvert and I would rather them not make small talk.  I had to get over this quickly at my last job.  Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with speaking, being cordial, and actually making friends, I just get annoyed by the people that start talking to me like they have known me for years. One coworker did that to me for months and I don't think she ever even knew my name.  We were never introduced. Once I figured out that was part of her personality, I let it go.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a generational thing. I feel like the people who do that to me are usually in their 30s and they don't realize that I'm in my mid 40s until they hear me say something about having a child in her 20s and then they ask how old I am.  I often get "You look good for your age," or "Oh, I thought you were my age."  I chalk it up to good genes.  My mom went to a new doctor when she moved back home and the nurse came in with the paperwork she filled out in an attempt to have her correct her age.  She said, "On your paperwork you put that you are 71," to which my mom replied, "Yes, I know what I put."  Needless to say, most people don't believe her age either.  My oldest daughter on several occasions had problems entering my youngest daughter's high school to pick her up because they thought she was a student and would tell her to go to class.  Mind you, she graduated from high school 8 years ago.  My youngest has been mistaken for a younger teen as well, so yeah, good genes.

I personally don't feel that I look super young but I have met people who I thought were my age or older, only to find out that they were a few years younger than me. I've also met people who I thought were like 10+ years older than me, and they were only a few years older. I'm completely okay with looking younger than I truly am.

Okay, time to put in some applications and get this thing going.  I don't know when this contract position is going to get off the ground and I'm not trying to sit around and wait any longer.

~Pamela Denise~

Still Home Alone 10.21.2014

I was just thinking about when I started working my last job and people would ask me what happened to the girl before me (I had no clue other than a co-worker told me she didn't do a good job).  But still, it seemed kind of weird to have them ask me.  I wonder will the next person be asked the same question, although apparently this won't be a new person and the work will just be spread out among the people who are still there.  Really, I don't care, just thinking out loud I suppose.

I'm kind of tired of being an employee.  I've been one far too long and with this crazy world, being a good, reliable and dependable employee doesn't mean a thing when it comes down to the budget.  It's kind of why I don't want to have employees.  I'd rather be a one-woman show or at the most, a two-person show with my partner. I don't want to have to lay someone off because of a budget, or fire them for doing a bad job. She has to fire people and I don't see how she does it.  I'm much too paranoid to do that, especially with folks going "postal" and whatnot.  I'm always worried when I find out she had to fire someone.  Not to mention, she works in a pretty male-dominant business so it's always a man.

Okay, enough of thinking out loud.  Time to put the clean sheets on the bed, shower and relax for the evening. I'm expecting tomorrow to be busy, or at best, not as unfulfilled as today.

Until next time,

~Pamela Denise~